So recently I started questioning a few things in my life. Whether or not I wanted to move back down to Orange County, what career goal would I set for myself and when will I have more kids. These issues may seem small to some but they completely consumed my thoughts. Not knowing the answers sent me into a depression and things kind of went from bad to worse.
I was thrilled with my major weight loss, so thrilled that I started slacking. My 60 pound weight loss started to disappear. I started Insanity the first week of August and could barely make it through the workouts without feeling sick, light headed and getting a headache. About a week into that I decided to take a pregnancy test and wouldn't you know it, I was pregnant. This news was met with mixed feelings. Although I definitely view a child as a blessing, I also had big fitness goals and a certain time frame to execute my plan. Went to the doctor to confirm. Stopped working out and eating right. The pounds were packing on like crazy! There was another problem. This pregnancy made me feel completely different than my other one. I was exhausted all the time, my body ached and I had migraines. I read enough to know that every pregnancy was different but these symptoms were unbearable.
As the weeks went by I started having severe cramps and spotting which turned to heavy bleeding. I think I knew in my heart that this wasn't going to turn out well. I had bleeding with my first pregnancy but it lasted a short time and wasn't accompanied by cramps. Things came to a head on a Friday night. I had the most extreme pain I had ever experienced. Terrible migraine, upset stomach and lower back pain that actually felt like labor. Even with all this, I still didn't want to go to the hospital. I went to the doctor 4 days later and found out that the pregnancy had ended. I was devastated. I cried in the exam room because the doctor put his hand on my shoulder and told me everything would be okay and that there was no reason I couldn't go on to have a healthy baby in the future. He was giving me good news so to speak however I couldn't get passed the fact that I no longer had a baby growing inside me.
The level of emptiness you feel after something like that is indescribable. I waited until I got to the car to call Steve and I broke down in tears. I just kept looking at Lorenzo feeling so bad that he wasn't going to have a baby brother or sister 7 months from then. I had already chosen bedding, room decor, clothes, supplies, stroller and car seat...baby shower decorations-you name it, I chose it. I registered on gift registries and signed up for weekly newsletters. I went all out and to find out that I was no longer pregnant was more than I could handle.
I spent days sitting and crying. I wanted to curl up in bed and sleep but I have Lorenzo and he deserved a mommy that was there for him. I picked myself up and moved out to the couch! HAHAHA. The poor diet went into full swing. During the 8 weeks I was pregnant I gained 12 pounds. The month following that, I gained another 10 pounds. I was mortified when I got on the scale. I had worked so hard to lose weight and here I was gaining it like there was no tomorrow. The doctor told me to rest for 4 weeks ad also to wait 4-5 months before trying to have a baby...which was perfect. I told myself, "OK, lets say 5 months to get in the best shape of my life, then when we try to get pregnant I will be completely healthy." So that's what I am doing. I am in week two of P90x. I am on a mission to have a lean, sexy,fit body and I will. I have too much at stake to give up.
Being so determined and dedicated to my work outs is helping figure things out. I know that as much as I miss my family and have reconnected with old friends that I would like to spend time with, my family needs to stay here. We are doing well, very well and I need to ride this thing out. Living up here allows me to be home taking care of my son and that's how I like it. As far as school goes, I have decided that I am still best suited to help people with problems so I will continue with my social work classes. If I become inspired but something else, it will have to wait.
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